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I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
-- William M. Thackeray

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Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

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Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Law

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-- Bill Cosby
For the love of God, folks, don't do this at home.
-- David Letterman

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Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
-- S. Barry Lipkin

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I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
-- Whoopi Goldberg

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My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.
-- Elvis Costello

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Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln

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Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry

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The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey

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You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

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Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
-- Edna O'Brien

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I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde

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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

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I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.
-- Bobby Bouchet, Waterboy

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

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You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho in 'Duck Soup