Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue
between to other guys. They start talking and
one admits to having a red ring round the top of
his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a
line round the top of his penis, but its green
The third guy admits that this ring he has is
orange.
The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring
leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously
awaiting their fate.
There's no noise and after about 15 minutes
the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face.
"Nothing to it, " he said. The doctor re-
appeared and called the guy with the orange
ring into the consulting room.
"So what happened," inquired Harry. "Piece of
cake" the other guy replies. "The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten
minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!"
The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor
calls for Harry. Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is
kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds
to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "I've got some bad news for you Harry," the
Doctor pronounces, "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!"
Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the
other two guys. They've recovered OK."
"Well Harry," says the doc,"there's all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and
dealing with gangrene!"
Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts
Moazzam
Saturday, 18 September 2010
FUNNY STORIES 19
An old man's wife is in coma at
the hospital, and one day the
doctor walks in to change her IV
bag.
While doing so, he accidentally
grazes dreamingly at her breast
and she moans. Happily, the
doctor runs to the husband and
tells him what had happened and
tells him to perform oral sex on
her because it might liven her up
a bit.
The husband franticly runs in the
room and quickly pulls out her
choppers and starts performing
oral sex on her, but he comes
back out 20 minutes later, very
sad looking.
"Well... what happened," the
doctor asks.
"She's dead," the husband starts
crying.
"Why?" the doctor says.
"She choked."
the hospital, and one day the
doctor walks in to change her IV
bag.
While doing so, he accidentally
grazes dreamingly at her breast
and she moans. Happily, the
doctor runs to the husband and
tells him what had happened and
tells him to perform oral sex on
her because it might liven her up
a bit.
The husband franticly runs in the
room and quickly pulls out her
choppers and starts performing
oral sex on her, but he comes
back out 20 minutes later, very
sad looking.
"Well... what happened," the
doctor asks.
"She's dead," the husband starts
crying.
"Why?" the doctor says.
"She choked."
FUNNY STORIES 18
A married couple spent many years in bed,
in the park and even the dressing room at
the shopping mall clothing store.
Finally their sex life became dull and drab.
They simply ran out of Ideas. The husband
began shopping at the Adult book store
and found some toys to spice things up.
“What do you have here?” The wife asked.
Well, I bought you a 10 inch dildo and me a
dime sized hairy pussy pumper. She
smiled in total excitement.
Snatching the dildo from his hand she
began ridding the toy like it was a carnival
ride. She was so happy with her new toy
that he told her were he bought it. He
enjoyed his toy also. The husband made
more visits to the sex shop, but never
came home with anything.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session, "How come you never
tell me when you have an orgasm?" She
glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
in the park and even the dressing room at
the shopping mall clothing store.
Finally their sex life became dull and drab.
They simply ran out of Ideas. The husband
began shopping at the Adult book store
and found some toys to spice things up.
“What do you have here?” The wife asked.
Well, I bought you a 10 inch dildo and me a
dime sized hairy pussy pumper. She
smiled in total excitement.
Snatching the dildo from his hand she
began ridding the toy like it was a carnival
ride. She was so happy with her new toy
that he told her were he bought it. He
enjoyed his toy also. The husband made
more visits to the sex shop, but never
came home with anything.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session, "How come you never
tell me when you have an orgasm?" She
glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
FUNNY STORIES 17
Two old men sitting on a park
bench were talking as they were
watching quite a few sexy
female joggers pass by.
"So, how's your sex life?" one
asked.
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having
Social Security sex." The other
commented.
"Social Security sex?" The first
man asked in concern.
"Yeah, you know: I get a little
each month, but not enough to
live on!"
bench were talking as they were
watching quite a few sexy
female joggers pass by.
"So, how's your sex life?" one
asked.
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having
Social Security sex." The other
commented.
"Social Security sex?" The first
man asked in concern.
"Yeah, you know: I get a little
each month, but not enough to
live on!"
FUNNY STORIES 16
A young fellow was about to be
married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how
often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first
get married, you want it all the
time....and maybe do it several times a
day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it
once a week or so. Then as you get
older, you have sex maybe once a
month.
When you get really old, you are lucky
to have it once a year....maybe on your
anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his
grandfather, "Well how about you and
grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just
have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow
asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed
in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You",
and I holler back, "Fuck you too."
married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how
often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first
get married, you want it all the
time....and maybe do it several times a
day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it
once a week or so. Then as you get
older, you have sex maybe once a
month.
When you get really old, you are lucky
to have it once a year....maybe on your
anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his
grandfather, "Well how about you and
grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just
have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow
asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed
in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You",
and I holler back, "Fuck you too."
FUNNY STORIES 15
A man dies and goes to Hell. The
devil greets him, "You may choose
which room you wish to enter.
Whichever you choose, the person in
that room will switch with you. They'll
go to heaven and you'll take over until
somebody switches with you. So go
on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room
where someone is tied to a wall and
is being whipped. The second room
has someone being burned by a
torch. The third has a man getting
blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks
up to the woman and taps her on the
shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're
replacement."
devil greets him, "You may choose
which room you wish to enter.
Whichever you choose, the person in
that room will switch with you. They'll
go to heaven and you'll take over until
somebody switches with you. So go
on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room
where someone is tied to a wall and
is being whipped. The second room
has someone being burned by a
torch. The third has a man getting
blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks
up to the woman and taps her on the
shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're
replacement."
FUNNY STORIES 14
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this
sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell
me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in
the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me
up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about
5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours
making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the
man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I
meet this girl every day and we get a
compartment to ourselves and have sex all the
way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't",
said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the
storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he
said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a
quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No,
hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is
so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell
me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in
the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me
up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about
5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours
making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the
man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I
meet this girl every day and we get a
compartment to ourselves and have sex all the
way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't",
said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the
storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he
said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a
quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No,
hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is
so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
FUNNY STORIES 12
A new guy in town walks into a bar and
reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO
CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks
the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it.
SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with
a sore tooth...you have to remove it with
your bare hands. THIRD, there's a
woman up-stairs who's ever had an
orgasm. You gotta make things right for
her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free
beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts
to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and
the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man
drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of
tequilla with both hands, and downs it
with a big slurp and tears streaming
down his face. Next he staggers out
back and soon all the people inside hear
the most frightening roaring and
thumping, then silence. The man
staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says
"Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO
CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks
the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it.
SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with
a sore tooth...you have to remove it with
your bare hands. THIRD, there's a
woman up-stairs who's ever had an
orgasm. You gotta make things right for
her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free
beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts
to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and
the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man
drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of
tequilla with both hands, and downs it
with a big slurp and tears streaming
down his face. Next he staggers out
back and soon all the people inside hear
the most frightening roaring and
thumping, then silence. The man
staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says
"Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
FUNNY STORIES 11
A woman had been married three
times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that
could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I
married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate
the marriage."
"The second time I married a
naval officer and war broke out on
our wedding day."
"The third time I married a
Microsoft Windows programmer
and he just sat on the edge of the
bed and kept telling me how good
it was going to be."
times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that
could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I
married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate
the marriage."
"The second time I married a
naval officer and war broke out on
our wedding day."
"The third time I married a
Microsoft Windows programmer
and he just sat on the edge of the
bed and kept telling me how good
it was going to be."
FUNNY STORIES 10
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin,
and that he could not go to heaven right away. He
asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could
get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up
ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he
asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you
did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help
pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business
when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was
with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best
time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she
rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
/67705. ?7,+0;065
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come
into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked
in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special
sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you
wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man had claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on
and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much
badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started
tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU
HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin,
and that he could not go to heaven right away. He
asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could
get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up
ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he
asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you
did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help
pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business
when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was
with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best
time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she
rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
/67705. ?7,+0;065
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come
into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked
in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special
sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you
wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man had claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on
and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much
badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started
tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU
HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
FUNNY STORIES 10
The Dean of Women at
an exclusive girls' school
was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very
difficult times for young
people. In moments of
temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime
of shame?"
A young woman rose in
the back of the room and
said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last
an hour?"
an exclusive girls' school
was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very
difficult times for young
people. In moments of
temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime
of shame?"
A young woman rose in
the back of the room and
said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last
an hour?"
FUNNY STORIES 8
One morning while making breakfast, a man
walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt
and says, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt
and says, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
FUNNY STORIES 9
Two elderly men were talking about
Viagra. One had never heard of it and
asked the other what it was for."It's the
greatest invention ever," he said. "It
makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can
you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if
you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the
Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it
slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and
Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but
doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You
have to wait an hour for a three minute
ride.
A man was prescribed Viagra by his
doctor who told him to take it one hour
before sex. The man collected his
prescription and went home to wait for his
wife to get in from work. An hour before
she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.
But just as he was expecting her, she
phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for
another two and a half hours. In a panic,
he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn
off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a
maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with
the maid."
Viagra. One had never heard of it and
asked the other what it was for."It's the
greatest invention ever," he said. "It
makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can
you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if
you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the
Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it
slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and
Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but
doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You
have to wait an hour for a three minute
ride.
A man was prescribed Viagra by his
doctor who told him to take it one hour
before sex. The man collected his
prescription and went home to wait for his
wife to get in from work. An hour before
she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.
But just as he was expecting her, she
phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for
another two and a half hours. In a panic,
he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn
off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a
maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with
the maid."
FUNNY STORIES 7
Once there was a sperm named
Bob. When all the other sperm
were just swimming around, Bob
was doing sprints and lifting
weights all the other sperms
asked him one day, "Why don't
you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well,
when the time comes, I'm gonna
be the first one there".
The others told him it was just
destiny, but he said it wasn't. So,
the day finally came when they
were called upon. They were
swimming along when Bob pulled
ahead of the rest. Suddenly he
stopped and turned around and
headed back.
The others asked him why he
turned around and he said, "back
up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"
Bob. When all the other sperm
were just swimming around, Bob
was doing sprints and lifting
weights all the other sperms
asked him one day, "Why don't
you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well,
when the time comes, I'm gonna
be the first one there".
The others told him it was just
destiny, but he said it wasn't. So,
the day finally came when they
were called upon. They were
swimming along when Bob pulled
ahead of the rest. Suddenly he
stopped and turned around and
headed back.
The others asked him why he
turned around and he said, "back
up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"
FUNNY STORIES 6
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike
up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the
blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,
the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging
her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to
a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was
what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you
know my name was Katz?"
up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the
blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,
the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging
her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to
a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was
what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you
know my name was Katz?"
FUNNY STORIES 5
A kid comes home from school and says to his
mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at
school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat
like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the
workshop in the basement. He says to his dad,
"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't
know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told
me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom
with these matters, she cant handle them. What
are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from
the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic
area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at
school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat
like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the
workshop in the basement. He says to his dad,
"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't
know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told
me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom
with these matters, she cant handle them. What
are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from
the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic
area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
FUNNY STORIES 4
Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you
smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull
out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it
counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a
while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all
riled up like that, huh kid?'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe
smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull
out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it
counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a
while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all
riled up like that, huh kid?'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe
FUNNY STORIES 3
My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose
momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the
summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and
My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the
doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of
company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from
high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's
now known as the Democratic Republic of
My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the
harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla
vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it
came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen
My balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th
home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the
Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the
summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and
My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the
doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of
company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from
high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's
now known as the Democratic Republic of
My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the
harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla
vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it
came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen
My balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th
home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the
Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
FUNNY STORIES 2
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or
"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But
she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister
that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next
day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked
me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
!6 @ ,(9,:; $0-,
During the past year, I have attempted to
make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
only once every 10 days. The following is a
list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid
there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that
I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this,
shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But
she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister
that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next
day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked
me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
!6 @ ,(9,:; $0-,
During the past year, I have attempted to
make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
only once every 10 days. The following is a
list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid
there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that
I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this,
shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
FUNNY STORIES 1
A man went to a strip club. When he got
inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out,
the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah
baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around
and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes
into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two
pasties. The guy behind our friend goes
off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those
things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey
buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did
another move, and snatched off her
dress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the
G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend
turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."
inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out,
the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah
baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around
and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes
into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two
pasties. The guy behind our friend goes
off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those
things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey
buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did
another move, and snatched off her
dress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the
G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend
turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)